Thankful... (part one)

Throughout this entire experience of losing my daughter and coping with the aftermath, it has certainly either brought out the best or the worst of those around me.

Some of my relationships have suffered. I cannot explain it, but I think alot of it had to do with what I felt was a lack of support, when I needed it most. I find myself often avoiding these people. I feel bitter and angry that time hasn't stood still for them like it has for me since Freja's death. Of course I logically understand that nodody will experience the loss of a child like the child's mother, but my heart still hurts that I wasn't shown a bit more compassion and understanding, and allowed to grieve openly infront of said people. I hate nothing more than having to suck it up and "pretend" that life goes on and it's all peachy keen like nothing ever happened.

Anyway, this isn't where I was going with this post. I was trying to focus on positive things instead of the negatives....

As Freja came into this world and her life unfolded, several people really stepped up to the plate.

First is DP.

He has been my rock from the very beginning of everything. He was the one who handled everything from signing the bazillions of hospital forms that were shoved in his face as soon as I went in for my emergency c-section, to calling our families after my surgery and having to break the horrible news to them.

He stayed by Freja's side all the time, and when he wasn't with her, he was with me. For all 15 days that Freja was in the NICU, he never once left me there alone for more than a few minutes.

He was the one who pushed me in the wheelchair all over the hospital for days, and navigated our way from where we were staying to the NICU. I would've been lost without him, in so many ways.

There was nothing more attractive in this world as him, when he would do Kangaroo Care with Freja. Seeing her so content as she laid on his bare chest and watching them bond left me speechless. Even the nurses commented and praised him for doing that; They didn't see very many fathers who actively participated in Kangaroo Care. It was very evident to everyone that he loved his daughter very deeply.

After Freja died, he was the one who handled most of the funeral arrangements since I had NO idea what to do and I was such a huge mess. He really stepped up with caring for the other two kids afterwards as well, when I wasn't able to do very much.

He's always there for me. His shoulder is always there for me to cry on, and he never makes me feel ridiculous about some of the fears and anxiety that I've had following her death. He's been amazingly patient, I don't think I could ever have been as patient as him.

It all just confirms that yes, I do love him SO, SO much.

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My friend Melanie really helped us out with alot of stuff, and is always a phone call away when I feel the need to talk or vent. She brought me her Medela electric breast pump to borrow when I was discharged from the hospital and was stressed out to the max about having no way to pump my milk.

While Freja was in the hospital, she shared our story through some of her WAHM groups and was rallying people together to do some kind of fundraiser for our family. I mentioned to her on the phone one day that I wished that I'd had some little wipes for Freja's mouth made from Organic Bamboo Velour, instead of having to use the scratchy hospital wash cloths. The next day, there was a package sitting at the door of our room at Ronald McDonald house. I opened it, and found 15 of the softest, most awesome wipes that I'd ever seen inside.

After Freja's death, I was driven to make receiving blankets for the NICU she stayed in. The parents and nurses who spent lots of time in the NICU preferred using receiving blankets that had cute, cheerful baby prints on them rather than the stiff, white hospital blankets. It was SO much nicer having Freja swaddled in something a little less "hospital" like. The only way the NICU was able to acquire these types of receiving blankets were through donation. The nurse who we had at the time of Freja's death gave us the blanket she was wrapped in, against hospital policy. I will forever be grateful for that blanket which I immediately put in a sealed bag, to hold in her scent. I wanted to make sure that there were enough blankets for other families to have, if they were ever faced with a similar fate.

To make these blankets, Melanie lent me her serger to sew the edges. She also brought over a plethora of fabrics that her WAHM friends had so kindly donated, and she continually swaps her knitting skills for more fabrics to go towards my cause. At the last count, I had already made about 35 blankets. Because of Mel's kindness, I have a stack of beautiful material sitting here waiting to be made into more.

I have more people to be thankful for, my next post will explain further.........