Reflection

Yesterday I went to the city to meet up with a friend for lunch. She was one of Freja's nurses in the NICU and we've become really close. I love talking to her. She took such good care of our little girl in the hospital, I will be forever grateful.

We had a nice visit over lunch. After we ate and said our fairwells, I figured I'd do some grocery shopping before heading home.

I went to Superstore and as always, quickly skirted by the baby section. I'm always drawn to go by that area in almost every store, but I never want to look too closely. Just enough to feel the sting a bit. I used to go to the baby girl's section and find clothes in the size that Freja would be in at that particular time if she were alive, but I've stopped torturing myself in that way.

I found some cute organic baby toys while I was there. They were so soft and cuddly, and I once again felt very ripped off and depressed that my baby isn't here to be able to enjoy things that she should be. I picked up a rattle made with some of the softest organic fabric I've ever felt and I couldn't put it down. I agonized over whether or not I should buy it, the rational side of me thought it would be crazy since I'm not even pregnant... but I know if I didn't, I would've regretted it once I got home. I bought it as a symbol of hope. Hope that one day I would have a baby who would get to enjoy it.

I felt really crummy last night. Sad. Overwhelmed by life. We were sitting on the couch last night after getting the kids to sleep, and a documentry came on TV. It was called Capturing A Short Life. It was so eerie that a show like that would come on TV at that particular moment, just as I was very absorbed in my thoughts of Freja's short life. I cried through most of it, watching these families of terminally ill babies experience everything we had been through. It was a beautiful documentry, I am so glad that a show like this aired on TV to bring awareness to people about neonatal death. Like most people, during my pregnancy I never EVER thought that my newborn baby would die. Nobody talks about babies dying before/during/after birth. They are supposed to just pop out, all healthy and pink, and go home. I've certainly lost that innocense about pregnancy and birth, and I seem to always assume that something has got to go wrong. Hopefully in time I can gain some faith back that not all babies are born dead or sick, and some hope that in the future I will have another who will be able to come home.