Every once in a while, I come upon something that reminds me of Freja and I feel very comforted. I hang onto it or keep it close to me. It reminds me of her. After a while, I feel my connection to her slipping away and I feel very panicked once again to find something to renew the connected feeling that I long for.
I'm also so scared of letting go of things that remind of the time when she was alive. I know it sounds silly, and it's embarassing to write about, but I need to get it out.
I wear monthly disposable contacts, and the last time I changed them was when we were in the hospital with her. My eyes have recently started to bother me. They feel dry and scratchy often because - I'm sure - my contacts are worn out. But I can't bring myself to put new ones in. These were the ones that I last saw my daughter through. I feel as though if I let go of them, I'm letting go of a piece of Freja.
I have a container of tzatziki sauce in the fridge that a friend brought for us along with a bunch of other food while we were staying in the city with Freja. It's long past it's expiry date, but I can't bring myself to throw it out. Am I going crazy because I feel a connection between my baby and this tzatziki sauce??!?
I keep all of her things in the crib beside my bed. I'm continually adding things to the box that remind me of her. Soon, I may just fill up my entire room with things that are so distantly connected to her, that I just can't bear to NOT keep.
The thought of not finding any more of these "connections" to her terrified me. Since I can't have here here with me physically, I need them to fill this void.
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3 comments:
I was JUST writing a very similar blog post in my head this week. SO similar!
I have kept:
the ripped envelope that was filled with homeopathic remedies that my midwives gave me after Matthew's birth
leftover unused bandages for my c-section incision
i'm so embarrassed by this but i took weeks to throw the bathroom garbage out because of sanitary napkins that were in there.
the things we will do to hold on...
christie
I do this too. I didn't want to give back the tupperware containers from the friends who made food for us when Lachlan was alive. I haven't taken down the sympathy cards from the living room. I look at my toenails and wonder which parts of my toenails were there when Lachlan was with me, and how much of my toenail has grown since he's been gone. I do the same with my hair. I think it will be sad to think of it all has being in the past, to have it all be a world post-Lachlan. DH didn't want to make Lachlan's photo album for a while, because that would be one more thing that was done, and one less thing to do for Lachlan. It definitely comforts me that there are still reminders of Lachlan around, still things to hold on to.
you are so not alone in this! loving and losing a child is traumatic, thats the only way to describe it... i feel totally traumatized. i have not been able to do anything with peyton's things or her room, they just sit there waiting. i still have a tupperware full of pumping supplies sitting by my bed waiting, even though my milk dried up months ago.
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