I went to the hospital on Thursday to pick up Freja's medical records that we had requested copies of about a month ago. I wanted them so I could have the medical details of all fifteen days of her life. Yes, I was with her every day and did witness nearly every little procedure from having her mouth suctioned to having chest x-rays to changing her CPAP mask..... And the list goes on.
We were very involved with her care in the hospital. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to care for my baby and do some of the things that moms are supposed to do for their newborns. It was very different changing the diaper of a baby and bathing her when there were wires and tubes hanging from every limb and from her face. But, somehow we managed. We adapted. At first we were terrified to touch her, this little three-pound baby. She was so fragile and delicate, unlike any other baby I had ever seen face to face. After a while, we tried to not focus on all the medical interventions that were sustaining her life, all the beeping and buzzing that we swore we could still hear when we were alone in a quiet room at night, and just tried to be her parents, hold her close, and love her.
So, in hindsight it is nice to be able to review the medical side of things. It's also nice to have all the notes that the nurses who cared for her wrote daily. They were all amazing, and I wouldn't have ever thought that I'd feel so comfortable leaving my baby in the care of others. I always knew that Freja was in good hands when I wasn't able to be there with her.
I felt an overwhelming amount of sadness as I drove home with the 200+ pages documenting Freja's life. It felt so final, realizing that they would never be added to. Her records will be filed away forever, somewhere in the back of the Medical Records Department. A closed book of her life. While pregnant, I fantasized about what this summer would be like; I invisioned myself taking the older two children to the waterpark and letting them splash around while I sat under a tree in the shade nursing the new baby. I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. Not having her here changes every aspect of my life, and every thought of the future. It's a very strange experience having to find a new "normal" in life after losing a child.
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3 comments:
gosh, i spent so much time imagining my summer baby too. i had all our summer activities planned and it's so hard to believe that they won't come to pass.
i've been too afraid to call the hospital and request Matthew's records yet. maybe it's because it IS so final.
did i ever tell you that i just adore the name Freja? i just love it. my dd's name is Clara and Freja has always been high on my list too but it was too unique for my boring old dh. lol
christie
Losing Lachlan changed everything for me too. It's really hard to integrate his loss into my life. It's a strange and confusing world out there after losing a baby. ((hugs))
I never thought about requesting my records but it's something I really may consider now. I'm not sure how much they would have of Carleigh in them since she was born still.
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