I read many, many blogs and stories of parents who have lost their babies and I hear of such peace that they've experienced as they watch their babies leave this world... I feel pangs of envy and it's hard not to think that I am a selfish monster when I feel inclined to share my experience of having my child die in my arms and it doesn't depict a scene of beauty and peace, with angels singing gloriously in the background as they escort my much wanted and loved daughter to Heaven.
I FEEL RIPPED OFF!!!!!!!! ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not just for myself, but for Freja who deserved a chance to live a happy, full life with us.
I feel brutally raped of my innocence as I watched my baby suffer and struggle and there was nothing I could do to help her as she took her last breath and her heart stopped beating in my arms. And not just at the moment it happened, but over and over in my mind as I replay all the memories every day, many times a day, nearly four months after she died. This trauma, I just don't know how to handle. It's sometimes paralyzing.
It's such a double-edged sword. I didn't want her suffering in pain, but I didn't want her to be DEAD.
My beautiful little girl, all 3 lbs 9 oz of her, with soft pink chubby cheeks like her sister's, and eyes as blue as her daddy's is GONE..... DEAD..... I will never see her again..... When I say those things out loud, I feel my insides jump. I just don't know how to come to terms with this. I thought I was treading water with strength and courage, but today I feel I am tiring quickly....
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7 comments:
"I feel brutally raped of my innocence as I watched my baby suffer and struggle and there was nothing I could do to help her " my thoughts, your words. I feel angry too, and ripped off, and traumatized. I havent slept well in ten months, have struggled through countless hours of therapy to try to erase some of the images from my mind. No mother should have to bear witness to that. I would never have wanted Peyton to go without me there, that would have haunted me. But what was best for her, I think has been the worst thing for me. I don't know the circumstances surrounding your little girl's exit from this world, but I imagine that in this too, we have walked a very similar road.
I suffered with the term dead too. For some reason saying my daughter died didnt sting as terribly as saying she was dead. I can honestly say I didnt come up for air until about eight months out, and it is still a struggle from day to day, but for some reason i remember thinking, wow today i woke up for the first time without the image of those last moments in my head, and it was around 8 months.
you, your freja, your thoughts, your anger, your frustrations... these are all in my prayers. I wish for you peace, but also know, that you are so early on in this loss that peace is still quite a ways off. I have not found peace, but have found some reprieve, some break from the treading of water to catch a breath to carry me through the next wave of emotion. Our stories are so painfully similar, I am so sorry that you have to walk this road, just know there is someone out there that really and truly understands.
yes, she did deserve a happy, pain-free life. oh my god, you are the farthest thing from a selfish monster. i'm so sorry, mama.
i didn't watch Matthew die and it makes me hurt to imagine what that would be like. i'm so sorry that i don't have any words that will comfort you. i'm just so sorry.
When my eldest son was in ICU with half his face ravaged from the harsh pavement that he smashed against when he crashed on his bicycle mumbling incoherent words and straddling life and death...It was a nightmare for me. I couldn't do anything but watch his struggle to live. So helpless. I can't imagine what I would have done if he had not pulled through...
I am so sorry you had to watch your sweet baby die. I am so very sorry.
I have learned so much from women like you...I've learned that life isn't fair, and that we are being made to be stronger than we ever wanted to be...you are amazing...and I send you much love.
Ummm ... who are these people? The ones who feel at peace when their child leaves this world??? I'd certainly like to meet with them and find out why they are at peace.
Just for the record, I don't feel at peace. I feel no peace whatsoever. Just enormous ANGER. Anger that I lost both my children. That they DIED for no reason. That they were HEALTHY BUT STILL DIED. Anger that I lost two of them.
Who the hell is in charge up there? Is anyone in charge? Was this just BAD BLOODY LUCK??? What did I ever do to deserve this? What did my beautiful babies do to deserve this???
Why oh why are my beautiful children dead????
There's no peace here, I can tell you that now. Just RAGE AND ANGER that they're gone.
You're not a selfish monster at all. Please don't compare your own grief journey to others. It'll only make you wonder what the heck is wrong with you. Been there, done that.
I can say for certain I felt peace when Carleigh was born. She came into this world already gone. I can't explain why I felt peace. It just was.
Found you through Grayson/Kinsey's blog.
Very well-put.
There is no normal.
You have every right to feel gypped.
Feel whatever you need to, escept guilty.
Wishing your family what peace you can find, whenever the time may be right.
nice blog.. liked it very much....can someone give me some other related blog address..???ne
ways appreciated..!!!
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