Today my Freja should be celebrating her fifth-month birthday. What would you be doing now if you were still alive? Would you be smiling at the antics of your sisters as they played around you? Enjoying naps on your daddy's chest, like your older sister did at that age? What would you look like? I think you'd look alot like me, with your hair dark like mine but eyes as blue as your dad's. I close my eyes and try to imagine holding you. The weight in my arms would surely be more than the 3 lb, 9 oz baby I last held.
I wish I were about to pop you in the stroller and take you to the park with your sisters instead of contemplating my visit to your grave tonight, where I will surely sob and frantically grab at the dirt that covers you, my baby girl. Almost five months out, and my anger at the universe still makes me want to yell and scream and throw my fists into everything in sight until I have no more fight left in me.
Last night I went with D to meet his cousin for the first time. From what I understood, he had a daughter Boo's age - 2. When we arrived, all the family said their "hello's" to me and I quickly shuffled to a spot at the table where everyone was sitting. There was some talk of a "baby," and pictures, and before I knew it an album was put infront of me and everybody was ranting on about how I had to see this baby.
I flipped it open and saw a baby... not a two-year-old. Then I noticed the date this baby was born. Just a couple of weeks before Freja.
"Holy crap," I thought, as I looked at picture after picture of this healthy chubby girl and her smiling parents. "I'm going to lose it!"
I felt the tears stinging my eyes and before I knew it I flew out of my chair and ran to the bathroom to let the tears fall in privacy. I have never wanted to jump out a window and flee as badly as I did at that moment. Unfortunately, there was no window in the bathroom. My face all red and tear-stained, I just didn't know how I was going to go back out there and face everybody. Once I put myself back together, I was able to and thankfully nobody said anything that would've sent me into another tail spin.
Unstable much? Yes, as this day approaches every month I am thrust back into the early days of facing the inevitable death of my daughter, then the trauma of her death and the aftermath of shock and guilt and a grief like no other. I am already fearing how emotional her first birthday is going to make me.
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8 comments:
I often wonder what Carleigh would be doing if she was still alive. She was born just 3 days after Freja. I remember when you had her and you found out that something wasn't right. I wished that you never had to experience that.
I'm sorry that the baby album was thrust in front of you. That had to be so hard to see the baby in the album and know that you should have the same. Gosh, that had to take a lot to even come out of the bathroom and back to where everyone was at.
The 1st birthday will be hard because it is a big milestone. It's ok to be emotional on those anniversary days.
It's ok to be overwhelmed when you're confronted with situations like this. I hate being unprepared for stuff - especially any stuff to do with babies. I can't do it. Even now - over three years since I lost my Freyja, and 18 months since I lost my Kees. I choose not to be confronted with baby stuff. And that's my choice - as long as I'm informed before hand. Hopefully next time you'll get better information.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. ((Hugs))
As I was reading your post I thought I was reading my own thoughts. I am so sorry that you had to experience that. I don't understand why some people just don't get it. Why they don't see that seeing pictures of a healthy, living baby is so difficult right now. Maybe now they will understand a little better.
I was going to write a 6 month post yesterday about Blake, but I didn't in the end. Yesterday was VERY hard for me, I had been doing pretty good up until yesterday. At work I was hanging on by a thread, it was all I could do to keep from crying all day. And then once I got home the water works began. I think I have been holding in these tears for months. I mean of course I would get teary here and there, but last night I sobbed and sobbed (whaled is probably more like it). I couldn't stop.
I think about what Blake would be doing now if he were here with us, as well. I think about what would have been all of his firsts. I agree that their first birthdays will be the hardest.
Oh my, five months. It's scary how time just keeps on marching on, isn't it. Freja was born exactly one month before Lachlan died, so the 25th is a special day for me too.
I would also have lost it if I saw those photos. It's just too hard to be happy for friends and family who show you what could have been. I've also been in the situation where I've had to come back out from the bathroom after crying, and thankfully had nobody mention the fact that my face was all red. I guess they don't want to talk about it anymore than we do.
Five months.... wow. Thinking of you and your Angel.
So sorry about the baby album. I have had so many of those moments. I really don't understand people sometimes.
xo
It is so hard to understand how people can be so insensitive when in the company of the grieving. I am sorry that a time that was already so difficult, had to be made that much more difficult for you. I know what you mean about picturing what she would be doing. I am often lost in my dreams of what Peyton would be doing as she approaches her first birthday. Don't feel like you have to hide your tears, your emotions are real and perfectly acceptable considering. Sending you hugs.
You're right it was you (about the records)! Thanks for the reminder b/c once you mentioned it it totally came to me. Thank you for giving me the idea to do this and I'm gonna go back and mention you. ;)
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