Today was my oldest daughter's birthday. It also happened to be Good Friday. Two years ago, Good Friday happened to fall on April 10th, which was the day that Freja died. For the last two years, everything related to Easter has brought back a flood of feelings related to her birth, life and death.
Of course I wanted my daughter's birthday today to be filled with happy memories for her sake. But there was also that immense sadness that I carried with me all day as I thought about what Good Friday brought us two years ago.
Life has become such an balancing act. Trying to balance the sad memories with the happy ones. It seems that so many 'milestone' days of Freja's have also happened to land on other holidays or occasions. Christmas, Mother's Day, my birthday, Easter to name a few. I am always caught between these two worlds - The world of trying to live in the present and enjoy the happy moments as they come, and the world of grief which often brings with it immense guilt and thoughts that I'm dishonoring Freja if I dare to appear too happy.
I want to be happy, but I don't want to be too happy. I don't ever want to forget the place I've come from, yet I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life and deny myself the opportunity to experience happiness ever again. But I don't want those around me (especially the ones who know our story,) to ever think that I am completely happy, whole, and 'over it,' because I know that none of that will ever be possible.
Such a balancing act this is. I don't know that I will ever find a perfect balance as I try to walk through this life with such a large piece of myself missing, and as I continue to learn how to mother three of my children on this earth and the other from a distance.
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2 comments:
I know exactly what you are talking about. I really feel like my little girl's events all fall around times in my life where I should be able to enjoy life and be happy again, but then I remember what I don't have. It certainly is a balancing act. An act that doesn't really make sense to have to balance. I'm sorry that it's been a difficult time. Thinking of you and sending hugs.
I've over balanced quite a few times and fallen flat. But, I get up and dust myself off and try to balance all over again because what choice do I have. I don't ever want my living children to think that they - and their special days - matter less than Emma but "high days & holy days" are especially triggering. It's just hard.
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