Exhausted

The past several weeks have been, to say the least, a whirlwind.

Between March 7th, and May 2nd, we celebrated five birthdays in our house (but six parties - as my oldest dd had a separate party with her school friends in addition to our traditional family party.) Two of these birthdays included Freja's second as well as our rainbow boy's first. In between a couple of the birthdays, we've also had to face Freja's angelversary as well her days of life. Those days of her life will always be very bittersweet and reflective days of our time with her when she was alive. I had a difficult time this year facing all of her special days. Maybe it was because as time passes, those around us seem to forget the significance of ALL her days - Not just her birthday. When you have a baby who lives for such a short time, you hang onto each one of those days and the memories of those days, because it is all that you will ever have. In my mind, I can still go back to our time in the hospital with her and it still so vivid. I can't believe it has already been two years.

I am thankful to have had my bereavement group to go to over the past three months, but that too has now ended. It was a great outlet to shed some of the pain, and just talk face to face with people who understand grief because they are living it themselves. It started in February and has seen me through my most raw time of year - Spring. Thank goodness for that outlet. It was very much needed.

As I mentioned before, Soren's first birthday was last Monday. I was hugely pumped up for it. I wanted his party to be just right. A most wonderful friend of mine made a beautiful and ever-so-appropriate rainbow cake for his party! It took her almost an entire day to bake cake layers in every color of the rainbow and decorate it with fondant and gorgeous colorful stars. I will have to post pictures, because it was just too beautiful to not share!

I have invested so much emotion and mental energy planning, preparing, and bracing myself for so much of the past two months, and there is just nothing left in me right now. I feel so depleted. So drained. My mind is so tired, and although I've been wanting to sit down and write in my blog, when I did find a moment to be on the computer I would just sit here and not even be able to string a sentence together. Over the past few days, I've been submerging myself in everything I've been neglecting since March arrived. The house has been a disaster, and I know I haven't spent the kind of quality time with my kids that both them and I are needing.

I am feeling such a mixture of emotion now that March and April have passed, and May is well on it's way - Both relief and sadness that I have survived the milestone of another year without my little girl, and my hope feels a little bit more renewed to have celebrated my son's first birthday.