Two years

I can't believe that it's already been a week since her birthday. Each day following her birthday, I've been consumed with thought and have been trying to relive memories of what we were doing two years ago at this time. Sometimes it's so random during the day. I will be loading the washing machine and then it hits me out of nowhere - I feel almost frantic to go back to that time and feel the weight of her in my arms.

Two years.

It feels life a lifetime ago.... Yet at the same time it feels like it passed in the blink of an eye.

Freja's birthday turned out better than I expected. I mean, it will never be 'perfect,' since the birthday girl will never be there. But there were many beautiful people in our lives who made it a very special day. To know that there were people all around the world thinking of my daughter, lighting candles for her, and doing things to honour her made my heart sing. To get a phone call from a very good friend, and a few family members brought a bit of calm to my day. My dear friend Amy has gone above and beyond her call of duty and has done some very special things in Freja's memory during these past ten days. I also happened to receive Freja's InspireRing on her birthday which Lea carefully crafted for her. It was kind of like getting a birthday present for her, and I felt much joy from the perfect timing! We also received flowers from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, and DP surprised me with the most beautiful red rose. He took a matching one to Freja's grave.

My mom surprised me too, by making dinner for us and bringing it over. I know that her and I haven't often seen eye-to-eye in the last two years, but she has been very kind to me lately. She's been coming over to watch Boo while I've gone to my bereavement support group over the past month, and she has opened up quite a bit to me and has acknowledged my loss and how it has turned my life upside down. Maybe she's just coming to terms with the fact that the 'old me' is gone... and that she has no other choice but to embrace her 'new' daughter. There in no sense in trying to change me. A loss like this just doesn't go away. It can never go away. You just have to try to twist and turn your way through life while carrying this heaviness with you for the rest of your life. Some days I find that I have more energy to carry this load, while other days (the ones I fear and dread,) I feel weak and struggle to take another step....

But here I am.

Two years later.

I'm still here. Still twisting and turning through life, trying to figure out how to live each day with her absence.