A moment of hope....

Have you ever had one of those dreams that are just so real and vivid and you could almost swear you were really there?

....... And then you wake up and cry because you suddenly realize that it was just a dream. And you are once again flung into the reality that your child is dead. Gone. Never coming back.

I had the most intense dream last night about Freja and I've been left thinking about it all day. In my dream, I was pregnant and about to give birth to her. Although she was still going to be born with the medical challenges that she had, her condition was know about ahead of time by a team of doctors and the NICU, who all awaited her arrival with a plan.... A plan to quickly operate and heal her.... A plan to fix her broken organs and give her a chance at life, instead of telling me that there was nothing that could be done and commiting her to palliative care. In my dream, I was scared but hopeful as doctors around me reassured me that they would do everything in their power to save her, and they were certain that she would live... I started to believe them and let my guard down. I was beginning to allow myself to feel hopeful...

....... And then I woke up and felt like I'd hit a brick wall. I really wanted to stay in that dream.