Well here we are. The calendar tells me it's March 1st, but to me it's just another month I've been dreading. This seems to be my new 'normal.' Fear, fear, fear. Dread, dread, dread. Too much negativity for my liking, and quite frankly it's really getting to me.
I need to take a next step. I'm still not quite sure what it is, but I think I need to talk to somebody. I thought I'd been doing good on my own with this grief journey - submerging myself in blogs and stories of others and finding strength in those who are walking this path with me... But then I'm left wondering what is wrong with me since almost a year later, I am still often neck deep in grief, anger, and just generally feeling miserable. I wait for every day to pass, just hoping to get through the next... then the next... And before I know it, my life will be completely wished away. Sure, I can slap on a happy face for brief periods of time when I'm forced to go out, but most of the time I'd just rather stay at home allow myself to feel what comes naturally.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just too damaged after seeing everything I've seen. After looking into my child's eyes as she died. After missing her more than I ever realized I could miss someone, and knowing that I always will. After seeing how easily life moves on for everyone else around me, and feeling very, very bitter and resentful towards them for it.
Am I depressed? I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping right now either. But the fact that Spring is so imminent - snow is beginning to melt, the days are getting longer, and the sky looks just the way it did when we caught brief glimpses of it on our treks between the Ronald McDonald House and the NICU during those cherished days of Freja's life.... It's all such a reminder of the shock and pain of this past (almost) year.
How have I almost come full-circle.... 365 days.... One year....
SGM Visits The Alpha Sigma Phi Fraternity House
4 years ago
2 comments:
It's hard seeing the seasons change and come back again to the season when your little one was born. I remember being so sad when the sunshine first turned to rain. Now I find myself feeling sad and reflective to see the sun coming back and the trees starting to bloom again. It reminds me of how distant I am from Lachlan.
Remembering Freja with you this March.
If you feel you need to talk somebody then it might be a good step to take. If anything, it wouldn't hurt. If you find it doesn't help then you stop seeing them. Seeing a counselor or therapist has helped many people, including myself, through the tough times.
I don't think you are too damaged. We're coming up on a year. We've been through all the firsts, which is difficult.
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