Nine

Deep breath....

Nine days.

The sun is shining. Snow is melting. Even the smell of the air brings back a flood of emotion and reminders of this time last year. Princesses' skating wind-up is next week, a sad reminder that it was the last event I attended last year before Freja's birth. Everyone joked about my size and insisted that I was having twins... Little did I know that the reason for my hugeness was no laughing matter - Severe polyhydramnios due to the fact that my baby wasn't able to swallow the amniotic fluid so it just kept accumulating.... And in a matter of days, everything I thought I was so sure of would come crashing down. Life would never be the same.

Lately I've been very reflective of last Spring, perhaps that is my reason for the lack of writing. I've very much turned inward with my thoughts and am just allowing myself to feel whatever it is that I need to feel during this time leading up to her birthday. I've not commited to any big family plans for Easter due to the fact that Good Friday was the day that we lost Freja, and it's going to be enough for me to just get through that weekend without having to stretch myself beyond my means to try and be jovial and social. I'm allowing myself to do what I need to do, and dammit, I'm not going to let anybody make me feel guilty for it!

Nine days. We're down to single digits. Although I've lived this new reality for almost a year, I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'm planning a first birthday celebration for my baby and she isn't physically here.....