Birthday

11:30AM

I was awake last night as the clock turned over to midnight. I had been bracing for the turn of the day, almost expecting something significant to happen. If there's one thing I have learned in this past year, it is that time will not come to a screeching halt, and the world will not stop turning just because it feels like mine has. And of course, nothing happened when 12 AM arrived. The world did not end, nor did I spontaneously combust. DP and I did, however, stay up way too late making a cake for Freja's birthday. It was our first time using fondant, but with a few tips from a good friend of mine and after watching far too many episodes of "Cake Boss," it was indeed a huge success!

We made a giraffe cake. Giraffes always remind us of Freja. She had a stuffed giraffe that sat on top of her incubator, watching over her, while she was in the NICU. So when we began trying to decide what kind of cake to make, a giraffe cake just made sense.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I've had an aweful cold for a few days now, so I just layed on the couch and dozed on and off. I watched the sun come up this morning and thought about Freja and about how this day last year unfolded. It was just around this time right now that we arrived for my ultrasound and found out that something wasn't right. One whole year ago since we met her. 365 days. Yet my love for her grows stronger every day.

When I finally got up for the morning, I was surprised to find a single long-stem yellow rose that DP had left for me. I just spoke to him a little while ago, and he said that he had stopped by the cemetary and left one for Freja as well. Have I mentioned lately how lucky I am to have him?

I made little packages for our family members that include a beaded sun catcher, 'Forget-Me-Not' flower seeds, a picture/video dvd slideshow which plays along to Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah,' and a framed picture that the NILMDDS photographer took of our family. I'm just making the last of the copies of dvds right now, and this afternoon we will deliver them. Then I plan to take the kids to see their sister and I have some little gifts for them to leave for her. I took the kids to the grocery store yesterday and allowed them to pick anything that they wanted for their special lunch today. Both chose those 'Lunchables' things... You know - those aweful, processed meals with the little round circles of deli meat, cheese, and crackers.

I can't even begin to explain how much I wish she was here. How empty this day feels as we 'celebrate' without her.

Going to a grave to visit our daughter on her first birthday instead of watching her dig into her birthday cake with her hands. I've been a teary mess at the drop of a hat over the past few days just anticipating this day, and wondering how I would get through it. And here we are. Here it is. It's in my face and I can do nothing but trudge onward through this day one breath at a time, forever aching for my baby but loving her ferociously.

Here is her cake:


Hard to imagine that last year at this time just before her birth, I looked like this (very severe polyhydramnios:)


Our first glimpse of perfection: