I just don't get it (but am getting used to it..........)

So I talked to my mom on the phone today. The conversation went okay until we got to the part where she told me about someone she had been speaking to and had mentioned to this person, in her own words, that I was "currently expecting my third baby."

Blink, blink.

If I remember correctly, at this time last year I was thirty-six weeks pregnant with my third baby. I do believe that just shy of one year ago, I had a very alive and screaming baby pulled from my belly. I have the scar to prove it. I do believe that my very alive and screaming baby, although very sick, did live for fifteen days. She breathed the same air as we did for fifteen days. My mother even came to the hospital a handful of times, and saw her with her own two eyes. Although I will never quite understand why, when offered, she never wanted to hold her, but instead preferred to keep her visits very brisk and unattached as if my dying child was already 'written off' as a member of our family in her mind.

I even remember (and will never forget,) some words of wisdom she chose to share with me during one of those brief visits to the NICU. "You can have another one," and "You can start trying right away as soon as you get home!" Were two pieces of advice that she somehow found appropriate to blurt out before our terminally ill child even died. Was this supposed to help?! Because it did nothing more than show me a serious lack of compassion for what we were going through and what we had yet to face.

Of course, after completely omitting my third child's existance today, our phone conversation kind of fizzled out. I reverted back to my 'shut-down mode.' I'm so sick of going in circles about her avoidance of Freja's life and death. Why can't she acknowledge my daughter's life, however short it may have been....?

...And she wonders why I've withdrawn from her during this past (almost) year. It's because I just can't take it - the hurt that has been cause by my own MOTHER who has been so emotionally unavailable. Who makes remarks that can cut to my core and fester there for far too long. And after months of trying and trying to get that understanding from someone who should be able to provide a bit more than simply pretend my child never existed in the first place and choose to turn a blind eye to this nightmare I have lived since her death.... I am at a complete loss. How much more ignorant can you be? And how am I expected to be kind towards someone who belittles such a huge part of my life.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I can instill in her, time and time again, that for our relationship to work, I need for this very important part of my life to be acknowledged. And time and time again, she chooses to pretend that it never happened.

I don't understand.... In some ways, she offers her whole self to me and then some. Should I need my oldest daughter to be picked up from school, or a babysitter for an entire day, or money, or other material things - she is there in an instant. But to ask for some understanding and emotional support seems like I'm asking for the impossible. And it's not the material crap that I need. She lost a son herself, and I've just expected so, so much more..... But have been grabbing desperately at nothing but air....