Since welcoming 2010, one thing has been on my mind and I can't stop thinking about it - the fact that time is indeed ticking by quickly and Freja's birthday is imminent. It is going to be here sooner than I can comprehend, and I'm trying to figure out what we can do to 'celebrate' it and make it a very special, memorable day.
I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out what is right for us to do.
First of all, her birthday was also her diagnosis day. The day we received the news that our baby would be born with this condition which would claim her life shortly after (or even before,) her entrance into the world. And then she was born just a short couple of hours after receiving this news. Unlike most typical prenatal diagnosis', we did not have any time to wrap our minds around the fact that she would be born with this devistating condition before I was whisked into the operating room. At 37 weeks into the pregnancy, after months and months of bonding with a child who we fully expected and were prepared to be bringing home to wear the clothes and diapers that I so carefully and lovingly washed and prepared for her in the weeks before her birth, it was all ripped away. I could still feel the kicks of life inside of me as I sat there trying to comprehend what all the doctors and specialists around me were saying. What did they mean she would die? Everything that spewed from their mouths was like a foreign language that didn't make sense no matter how hard I listened. It never once crossed my mind that my baby would die just days after she was born and never have the chance to come home. I'm not trying to trivialize ANY loss of a child, it's all difficult and devistating regardless of the circumstances that surround it - but from this angle which I have experienced child-loss from, the fact that we dealt with a very shocking and unexpected blow so late in the game adds... a whole new level of grief and PTSD-type issues which I have struggled to sort out in these past months. There was no time to try to wrap our minds around Freja's diagnosis before she was born. In a way, I am thankful because not knowing bought us the time we had with her - but there is always the other side I can see in which I wonder to myself if maybe I would be doing better and working through this with much more grace and acceptance if I had known beforehand. But, I have to keep reminding myself that there is no looking back. I can't change what is and how it all happened. My only limited options from here are to either try to deal with what has happened and somehow come out the other side stronger and wiser, or in a body bag. And believe me, I've heavily contimplated both options at various times, but am certainly now on the path of wanting to come out of this experience very much alive and living life to the fullest in this quest of finding renewed hope and happiness for the future.
So, I had a few ideas of things we could do to honor Freja's birthday. I keep trying to figure out how I can make it the 'perfect' day.... But really, without her here, how can her birthday be a perfect day?
I've thought about making something. Something I could give to everyone in our families in memory of Freja for this significant day. But then I start thinking.... What have they done for us? Would it even matter to them that it IS her birthday? Will they even remember her birthday??? Most of them haven't mentioned a word about her or expressed any genuine concern for our well-being since her funeral. It's like they just picked up where they left off and have been oblivious to the depth I have been hurting all these months. And then before I know it, I can once again begin to feel my blood boil and the anger, bitterness, and resentment I feel towards most of my family crashes down on me. I'm so sick of being angry. I'm tired of trying to avoid them all because it's too hard to look them in the eye when I know they've moved on so easily and always forget (or choose to forget?) to include her in conversations with us, and with our other two children. I've gone in circles trying to figure out if they don't mention her because it is 'outside their comfort zone,' or if they have simply moved on and figure we have too. Is it too much to ask them to step outside their selfish comfort zone for a few minutes every now and then and just ask with genuine concern, "How are you doing?" instead of assuming I want to jump into cheery, meaningless conversation. I wish my pain would be acknowledged by SOMEBODY. And it's no secret to my two living children that they have a sister who died, and although she isn't here with us, she will always be their sister. We talk about Freja daily and include her in our every day conversations. The kids love to talk about their sister and acknowledge her. It is healthy and important in this healing process. They draw her pictures and make crafts for her almost daily. So why does everybody else treat the fact that we lost our daughter like an elephant in the room, tiptoeing so carefully around anything that has to do with her. Do they figure that if they never mention her, the pain will just go away? It also cuts me like a knife When people imply that each of my living children has ONE sibling. Umm, no. They each have TWO. Although one is living and the other is not, it doesn't make her any less their sister. It is confusing to my kids when anything different is implied. They are comfortable with their unique situation, and it angers me when others don't respect this and help preserve it.
So I continue on this journey of trying to figure out what feels right to do. I know I can't let Freja's day just slip by and not do something significant. Maybe the four of us will once again just stick together and do what feels right for our little family.... Our little family who gets it and has understood the signifigance of keeping Freja's memory alive in these past months. Our little family who has found happiness in a place we didn't think could possibly exist when we put forth a little bit of effort to keep our third child just what she is... Our third child, and a very special and important member of our family who deserves no less than any of us who are living do.
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6 comments:
Yes she does desearve no less than a living child but I have a sneaking suspicion that whatever you chose to do on her Birthday will seem perfect to her. *HUGS*
I think it's beautiful that you and your little family all remember Freja every day. The love and understand you all feel for each other just jumps out of the screen.
I have heard of all sorts of different ways that people celebrate their lost little one's birthdays, and I hope you find something that feels right for you and your family.
I'm sorry the rest of your family haven't been so understanding. I had some issues with my family as well, and we went a long way to resolving things when I told them that I *wanted* them to speak about Lachlan, I *wanted* them to cry and tell me that they miss him too, I *wanted* them to tell me when they talk about him with others, or when others send their condolences to us, and I *wanted* them to ask how I was doing, even when I wasn't feeling good. Until that point, they really thought that they were doing the best thing by never talking about him and pretending to be chirpy. It was hard to be so honest with them, and I know that not everyone's family would react in such a positive way as they did, but I just wanted to put it out there that sometimes even our parents and close family don't know what's best and what we want. In any case, I'm so glad that you and your close little family with you, your DP and daughters are all there for each other. That's so important, and so special.
I am so sorry that your family is adding to your pain. They may not even know they are doing it. I have a few in my own who have hurt me tremendously as well. Friendships were destroyed & coming to terms with that has been a very angry path for me. I would talk openly about Freja with them one day. Maybe that will open the door. It has with some of mine but it has done nothing to change it with some. Its worth a shot. Also what is most important is how you and your immeditae family remember & love her. Your love for her is trememdous & overflowing & will forever be.
It really does hurt to know that the family we thing SHOULD care....isn't thinking about it at all.
Recently, my estranged brother contacted me....after years of silence related to our psychotic mother that I freed myself from as the only sane option to my mental health. In anycase...as I said...we haven't spoken in years. I told him in an e-mail about Simon and Alexander...his response was idle chat about "The Office" that had been on.
I was shocked. How is it that you could tell your brother...after years of painful silence...something so tragic, and simply be met with "Did you see Recyclops?" WTF!
Anyway....this is all just to say my sweet dear friend....that people have no freeking clue what to say...and they want to look the other way because the view from where a bereaved parent stands is so painful that they just don't want to LOOK. They can't even bare it from the OUTSIDE. They just want it to "go away"...it's too real and awful.
Her birthday is important. Celebrate her spirit...the beauty that she IS. and...speaking from experience...cast not your pearls before swine. ((HUG))
I have no doubt that it was so hard to grasp Freja's fatal diagnosis just hours before her birth. How could you process something so life-changing in just mere hours? You couldn't possibly know how you would have handled it if you had known sooner. It may have been different or it may have been the same. Yeah, it won't change what already is.
I wish your family would acknowledge Freja and talk about her. I wonder if they think that they'd upset you by talking about her? Others do tend to think that. I know you'll do what will honor Freja, whether it be with your family or without them.
I think it's wonderful that your children know and talk of Freja. I talk about Carleigh to Kyndra. Kyndra recognizes her in pictures. She'll point to them and say "sissy".
Whatever you do will be perfect for Freja's special day. As hard as it was on E's first birthday back in September, we tried to celebrate it. It was a special day, he was a perfect baby boy. I wanted to honour the baby boy he was, and not his death. So on his birthday, we celebrated for him. We'll do the same on L's first birthday in June. Celebrate him, the life he did have, and the amazing baby boy he is. I grieve for them every other day of the year, that is a day to celebrate. Yes its hard, and yes I shed tears, but we did what we do on our living children's birthdays, celebrate. Lots of *hugs* as you embark on this hard milestone.
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