There was something about this morning that struck me, the way the sunlight filtered through the window, that reminded me of those early mornings during the days following Freja's birth when we shuffled down the street from the Ronald McDonald House to catch the doctors doing their 'rounds' in the NICU. DP and I were always awake (not like we slept much!) and ready to go in time to make it to those morning rounds where the doctors would congregate and discuss the latest progress of their patients one by one. We were always there to take part in this daily occurance and discuss the status of our daughter's health.
Something that's been bothering me for quite some time is the fact that I don't remember the first couple of days of Freja's life very clearly. Just bits and pieces here and there. The day of her birth, I was on so much pain medication from the c-section that I only remember little glimpses. I was so drugged that I don't even think I realized what had happened, or that she had even been born. And for a couple of days following her birth, the shock and trauma of her unexpected diagnosis and birth left me with hardly anything. I feel horrible that I don't remember being wheeled down to the NICU to see her for the first time. That I don't remember what my initial reaction and thoughts were when I first laid my eyes upon my tiny baby in that incubator and saw her covered in wires and filled with tubes. What was going through my mind? I have absolutely no memory of this! How can this be? Sometimes I feel compelled to sit in complete silence and try digging deep down into my mind, attempting to pull these missing memories out of the black hole they got lost in. I know that the shock of everything surrounding her birth made me feel as though I was suspended in time for many days. Time very literally stopped. I think that maybe my ability to process any information that came my way stopped, too. I know that the mind is very powerful, and has a way of blocking those most traumatic memories from being accessed, but I just need to know that they are in there somewhere and maybe one day when I am ready, I can resurrect them. They are missing puzzle pieces, a part of my daughter's short life which nobody witnessed from my perspective but me, and they are missing! I want desperately to remember and hold on to every little detail about her life that existed.
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4 years ago
6 comments:
I do believe that one day you can access these memories. For example, the time surrounding my abortion with Jordan was quite traumatic and after I came out of denial I could hardly remember anything from that time. As healing took place and time passed I started to remember things. Bits and pieces slowly came back to me. I have a clearer picture now of what happened than I did a year ago and the past 7 years. Now, there is still quite a bit I don't remember but it's a start. Don't know if me telling you this will help at all. But I can say that it frightened me that I couldn't remember. And some of the memory loss I know is from the sedation medicine that knocked me out.
I am so sorry for your pain. I hope someday your mind allows you to remember. xo
I hope that you're able to remember more as your pain becomes less raw. My memories have changed over time too - sometimes it feels like the whole thing happened to someone else. But sometimes I realize that it's my heart not letting me go to some memories, because they're just so painful.
There are many things I don't remember from the events surrounding the birth and death of my baby boys. My husband tells me its probably better that I don't remember some things. He sais I remember some bad things, but I remember many wonderful things about them. Maybe its just our copin mechanism. Memories come back as we are able to process them, able to handle them. I relive so many of the moments over and over in my mind, but I know there are blanks. I fill in the blanks with what I wish had happened, versus the nightmare I lived through. Wishing you strength and peace. *hugs*
Praying that when your ready God will release those memories to your heart. *HUGS*
I remember when I first started seeing a therapist she told me that our body deals with trauma by eventually letting go of some of the memories, even those we want to hold onto. I hate this part of grieving too... it is like losing them twice.
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