Let down

I don't really want to be writing more negativity right now... But it just seems that nothing has been working out the way I need it to right now. I'm feeling very let down today and here's the reason why:

I got the idea a couple of months ago to get a miniature Christmas tree for Freja. I imagined us and the kids spending an afternoon together, bonding and remembering our daughter and sister. I've been trying to come up with ideas of how to include Freja in some of our Christmas celebrations, and I figured that this would be the perfect idea.

I carefully selected bows and decorations and a cute little angel to place on top of her tree. Princess, who has an assignment due for school tomorrow on the topic of "Your Family's Special Celebration," had expressed interest in wanting to share her celebration of decorating her sister's tree. I had planned to make hot chocolate for everyone to have while we delivered it to Freja's grave. I was happy. Everyone seemed to share the excitement of this experience with me. Nothing warms the heart of a mother who has lost a child as much as watching the people who surround you making efforts to remember that child along with you.

But somehow... These things never work out the way I picture them in my mind. Instead, yesterday was filled with everybody else's agendas being fulfilled. And that did not include any time to spend honoring our baby, who deserves so much more than to be pushed to the back of the 'to-do' list simply because she is not here in person.

Oh yes, we attended Christmas parties, and Birthday parties, and when we finally had a moment to do some decorating, I was faced with a six-year-old who whined and bitched because it meant turning off the TV for a little while.

So, I give up. I'm not going to try to force this to happen anymore. This afternoon, my two-year-old and I will decorate it and deliver it to Freja's grave. At least she seems excited about doing it with me.