Christmas and Drama

So... Here I sit, two days after the holiday I've been dreading for months. We survived. We made it through. I am glad that it is behind me for so many reasons. But in the midst of some really difficult moments, I have become even more thankful for my little family. I am so lucky to have such a supportive partner, who is a wonderful father to all three of our children, and endlessly patient with all my moods and issues.

Christmas Eve was such a busy night. We frantically wrapped presents because we are both such big procrastinators, visited Freja's grave and decorated her tree a bit more, tried to squeeze in a late-afternoon nap for Boo, and had to split time evenly between both our families. I found myself feeling very overwhelmed and not in much of a 'Christmas spirit' mood. Not only was I really missing Freja and all of the things she should be doing with us, like tearing into presents that weren't hers and eating wrapping paper - but it was just too much chaos for my enjoyment. DP and I agreed that Christmas Day would be a day of relaxation for us, with no agenda or hustle and bustle, aside from going to my parents' house for dinner.

We planned to go visit Freja again... And let the kids take some of her gifts that were left in her stocking to her. But my mother, who was wound tighter than a spring that day, decided to stop by and try to interfere with the plans that we as a family had made... Which in turn led to me getting mad at her and snapping after she tried to force her ideas on me again and again and I finally couldn't take it anymore.

So.... There was definately more drama than I needed on that day. She called me a couple of hours later and I explained again that we had plans to go to our baby's grave, and she basically told me that I should 'move on' and made it sound like because we were doing this it was an injustice to our living children. I was so mad that I really didn't even want to go to their house for dinner.

There was lots of crying on DP's shoulder and ranting about how unsupportive my mother has been since Freja was born/died, and I just needed to let it all out. I felt so much better afterwards and am even more in love with this little family of mine who UNDERSTAND me. They don't make snippy, mean comments that cut me to my core. They don't push me when I'm feeling low. They want to remember Freja just as much as I do, and she is just as much a part of our family to them as she is to me, even though she isn't here with us.

So let me say that our dinner experience was less than enjoyable with my parents. It was actually kind of humorous. Instead of being horrified, I chose to sit back and laugh. My mother went out of her way to try to lay the guilt on me (and it turned out she was already pretty drunk by the time we got to their house,) and she couldn't wait to make snarky comments at every opportunity when she thoughts others weren't listening. HOW is this my family?

But you know what? I took it in my stride. And I didn't let it ruin my day. Because, dispite all the crappiness and disappointment that came from my her, my bond with DP became that much stronger. And to witness his love for me, and our children, is the best gift I could've ever gotten.

We will make it through. Together. As long as I have him, I know I will be okay.