Off topic, but still somehow related.....

I'm having a bad day.

Or rather, I'm almost always having bad days for one reason or another.

And while I'm not going to write about how it's the grief that I'm overcome by today, my issues are still somehow related to it.

When I first lost Freja, it was all grief, all the time. I lived it, I breathed it, it was my entire existance. I couldn't think about anything else, and didn't care about anything else. As the months pass, not only do I now cycle through days of immense grief over losing her and missing her, but I also worry about my other family members' health, my health, the health of this baby inside of me, money, and the future. There is not a single day that goes by where one of these issues is not at the foregound of my mind, poisoning every thought I have with worry, fear, and hopelessness.

Today happens to be a 'money' day.

I try to think to myself, in the big picture of everything, this seems really shallow and insignificant to worry and obsess over in relation to some of my other worries; namely grief. And it's true - it's not nearly as hard to accept the fact that I am pathetically broke as it was to accept that my daughter has died. But still, it is on my mind today and is bringing me down in a huge way.

I'm sick and tired about worrying about money. I tried to promise myself that I would try not to stress myself out over it until it got to the point where the security of a warm roof over the heads of my children and I was jeopardized, and we had absolutely no money for food.

Well, I am there.

And it's horrendous for me to admit. I am so ashamed. I feel like such a failure as a mother. Nobody in real life knows my situation is this dire, aside from my parents who provide us with alot of necessary and luxury items that I would otherwise not be able to have for my children.

.....But I need to get this out, somewhere.

I feel horrible that I have to continually say 'no' to Princess when she tells me she wants to join gymnastics or ballet with her friends. I feel that MY choice of staying home with my children is finally having a negative impact on them. But, I feel so stuck. I probably wouldn't find a job in this town that paid much more than minimum wage, and what would I do with my kids?? I want so badly to be able to stay home with them, but at the same time not have to worry about stupid financial crap and struggling just to make ends meet.

I admit, I bought a doppler a few days ago. It cost $100. Now I'm wishing that I hadn't done that. My intention when I purchased it was to give me peace of mind that this baby inside of me is okay, but now I've set off a domino-effect of worry and I probably won't be any better off than if I hadn't bought it.

....Just $100 hungrier, because apparently my money-management skills suck and I didn't factor in the school pictures, and school fundraising crap that I bought, and well.... Yeah - the money I spent on the doppler was my grocery money for the month.

I've had to cancel my dentist appointment twice now, because well... I can't afford to go.

And Christmas is looking pretty bleak. If I can manage to catch up on my bills next month that I can't pay from THIS month, I should expect to be back exactly where I am right now.

$0.

I don't know how to keep doing this.....