Sharing Her

Today the snow is falling from the grey skies. It feels like winter has suddenly been heaved upon us, but thankfully the snow isn't lasting long once it reaches the ground.

How time flies. I feel like we were just here, with the first flakes of snow making their appearance. I can somehow remember my life at exactly this time last year, and it amazes me how much things can change in such a short time. This time last year we were taking Princess to her first skating lessons. I was the mother of two children, with one on the way. I was a mother to only live children, and was oblivious to the fact that I would soon be faced with the most difficult time of my life; the loss of my third baby. We happily announced to our friends and family who didn't yet know of our pregnancy, and were filled with excitement and an ignorant expectations of life flowing smoothly.

The rush of memories really came back to me the other night when we walked through the arena doors to take Princess to her skating lessons once again. The last time I had been in there was about a week before Freja was born. It was the wind-up, and as we watched our kids skating and showing off their newly aquired skating skills in their cute little themed costumes to upbeat music, I joked around with other parents there about why I was so big. I nervously laughed it off as they joked that I must be having twins.

I was kind of dreading having to go back in there, and possibly face people who I haven't seen since Freja's birth, who might not know of our situation.

We pulled up in the windy parking lot, and before I even got myself completely out of the car, this Mexican lady who I know from a playgroup that I used to take Boo to called out to me. "So you had your baby??! Did you have a boy of a girl??"

"............Well," I said as my eyes locked with D's, "We had a girl......." I couldn't find the words to finish my sentence, so I motioned that I would talk to her once we got inside.

I wanted to run. Even after doing this for months now, I haven't quite figured out how to explain what happened to somebody who approaches me full of excitement, asking me about my new arrival.

Once we were inside and had gotten Princess' skates on and escorted her to the rink, I noticed the lady glancing at me. "Oh my God, she must think I'm a total snob!" I thought to myself. Finally, I got the guts to walk over to her and start a conversation...

"Oh hi! How are you?" I nervously asked, trying to sound as cheery as possible, so she wouldn't think I was trying to avoid her.

We made some small talk, until she once again asked about our baby. I took a deep breath and explained that yes, we had our baby, a girl named Freja, however she only lived for fifteen days because she had been born very, very sick. I often feel I need to 'dumb it down' for people who aren't familiar with Trisomy 18, so rather than going into details about her condition immediately and throwing large medical names and terminology at them, I just say that she was born with a terminal condition. If they want to know more and express interest or ask question, I'll certainly explain further. I love to talk about Freja and share things about her, even the whole medical side, but I made the mistake the first time I was asked by somebody about her and I rambled on like a deer caught in headlights which made the situation very akward and uncomfortable for both the person who asked and myself. So now I've learned to just start with a little bit of info, and go from there. Because hey, aside from briefly skimming past an article while researching polyhydramnios and the potential link to T-18, I had no clue what Trisomy 18 was either until I had a baby who was born with it.

The lady was very surprised and offered her appologies immediately. She asked why something couldn't be done to 'fix' Freja, because her youngest daughter happened to need a NICU stay of twenty days due to breathing problems after birth.

I explained that she had been born with an extra chromosome, and that it wasn't fixable. Although it was much more complicated than this, I explained that she had a very severe heart and kidney defects, along with other anomalies that were too extensive to fix because of the extra chromosome. That her condition was deemed "incompatible with life." I like to give people some perspective of what Trisomy 18 is, and I usually try to bring awareness to the fact that it is closely related to Down Syndrome, only much, much more serious and fatal.

.... And I did it all without crying. I wasn't sure that I could keep it together, but somehow.... Somehow, I found it very comforting to talk about Freja and share her with someone who hadn't previously known her. Like I'm keeping her alive by sharing my memories of her with those who want to know her. And I hope that when I do share her with others, she will leave an impression on them that will never leave them either.