Giving Thanks

Yesterday was Thanksgiving up here in Canada. We spent the day with the girls, cleaned up the yard a bit in anticipation of the snow that will soon fall and stay for the next several months, and had dinner with my parents. It was a nice day, but Sunday was the day that will stay with me forever.

Aside from doing the whole extended family Thanksgiving celebration this year, D and I decided to do our own little dinner - just him, I, and the girls. We cooked up a storm, preparing our first turkey dinner ever together. We had so much fun, and bonded as a family in ways I never knew possible. After our entire day-long preparation of food, we finally got to sit down, just the four of us, and bask in our success. I lit a candle on the table in memory of Freja. If there were one thing that could've made the day just that much better, it would've been to have her with us, babbling away in her high chair as she tasted mashed potatoes for the first time.

As we were eating, I glanced up at the flame and it was dancing wildly like I've never seen a candle do before. The air was still - there was no breeze or anything. It really struck me in a way that I will never forget. I became overwhelmed with the feeling that Freja was with us somehow.

After we cleaned up the kitchen and put the food away, I jumped in the shower. As I stood under the warm stream of water, the 'feeling' became that much stronger. I could feel her all over me. Inside of me. Looking over my shoulder. Her warmth enveloped me. It was both incredibly awe inspiring and frightening at the same time how much emotion was involved. I was overcome with something in between grief and the most immense love I have ever felt in my life, and I could do nothing but crumble to the floor of the shower and sob as I felt the presence of my baby there with me. She was there. She was with me. I can't describe it - this feeling - but it was definately something that touched every one of my senses at once and it was a Thanksgiving Miracle in itself.

Do you know how much I love you Freja? How everything in the world revolves around my thoughts of you? Do you know how much you are missed, and how much I ache to hold you again and know you are okay?

It isn't the job of a baby to realize and fulfill the needs of her parents, but I will be forever thankful to you for knowing how much I longed to feel you once again.