Secret Garden Meeting, August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
I have a small house with only two bedrooms. Freja was supposed to stay in our room with us, mostly co-sleeping since I've always done this with my babies. It's so much easier for nursing through the night. I had set up a tall shelving unit next to my bed with cloth diapers, her clothes, and other supplies. And also the beautiful wooden cradle that D made for Boo when she was born was patiently awaiting the new baby.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
Yes, I did alot of nesting before I got too big and uncomfortable to get things organized.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
I will always remember how hard it was when we came home for a brief visit when Freja was about a week old. It was the only time we came home during the fifteen days of her life, and I lost it when I went into my room and saw all her clothes and diapers waiting for her, with the realization that she most likely wouldn't be coming home to ever use them. It was unbearable and I just layed in my bed and cried. After she died and we came home, I was a wreck. Everywhere I looked, I kept finding things that I had stashed away for her.

Did you pack it all away?
No, even with offers of help from family and friends, I didn't want her things to be put away! Although it was agonizing to look at the things she would never get to use, it hurt even more to think of packing all her things away, like she never existed. All her stuff (minus the sleepers that I grabbed and brought to the hospital for her to wear,) is all sitting just as it was before she was born. All of the clothes she did wear, receiving blankets she used, and hospital keepsakes, etc are packed away safely with the exception of a couple things that I like to keep out for reminders of her. Her dad will be making a beautiful wood chest for us to keep all her belongings in, and I will get him to carve Freja's name into the cradle just as he did with Boo. She might not have had a chance to sleep in it, but she was supposed to use it and forever will be one of our babies.

What is your baby's room now?
All her belongings are still in my room, waiting, just as they were before she was born.

If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?
I never did experience this, but in a way it was something we had to prepare for. If Freja had been able to come home, the palliative care nurses and doctors we worked with were preparing us for the fact that she most likely would pass away at home. I really, really struggled with knowing this. I was terrified of how it might make me feel about living in this house, and how it could affect my older kids witnessing their sister dying in their home. I was so torn with trying to decide what was right for our family but eventually we saw that Freja wasn't going to be healthy enough to live outside of the hospital. I think it would've been amazing to have her home and living as a part of our family for however short of long her life might've been, but it wouldn't have been without it's repercussions as well.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
Well, I will plan to have our next baby sleep in our room too. I know it's going to be hard to decide whether or not I should set everything up for him/her before they're born, but I most likely will have the bare necessities prepared. I need to try to maintain a positive attitude somewhat about this baby coming home, otherwise I will sink into deep unrelenting depression. Don't confuse my hint of optimism with
being naive; I'm far too aware of the fact that this baby has a chance of not coming home too, if not due to trisomy 18, perhaps one of the other billion complications that can occur before/during/after birth.