Several days ago I was at the grocery store doing some shopping with my two kids in the cart when I ran into an older woman who I've known since I was a small child.
"Oh hi," She said cheerily.
I forced a smile back. "Hello."
"How's it going?" She asked.
I never know how to answer that question honestly. I can't find it in myself to give a full-out "Oh, hey, it's FANTASTIC," Because well... It's not fantastic when I'm missing one of my children terribly. So, I replied back with a less-than-enthusiastic "Oh, it's going."
She looked at me sympathetically, then looked at my two kids who were sitting next to each other in the cart, bickering about something. "Don't worry," She said, very reassuringly as she leaned closer to me, "It get's better."
"Oh?" I asked, surprised. For a moment, my interest was piqued. Did she have some wisdom to share with me? Does she know this place where I exist, day after day? How every thought in some way is of my baby, and what should be? How I picture her with us in everything we do, and wonder what it would be like if she were still alive? It must happen at least several times every minute - the wonder of If Freja was alive at this moment, what would she be doing?
"Oh yes," She chuckled, glancing at my kids. "I had five... Believe me, it gets better."
"Oh." I said dissapointedly, looking at the ground. She had no idea. NO idea. She's only known how to parent her living children. She has no idea what the root of my sadness and frustration is about. It didn't have anything to do with the two children she saw in front of her, but of loss of the one who will never get to be a naughty toddler and squabble with her sisters. She will never beg me for treats in the store. She will never fuss to get out of the cart.
SGM Visits The Alpha Sigma Phi Fraternity House
4 years ago
7 comments:
I completely understand that thought. There are so many times that I sit in a crowd or answer a question that I just want to scream that I have another child, one that can't be here, and it just isn't easy, it will never be easy. Hugs.
I am sorry you have to have those moments with stangers. She meant well but truly doesn't know your journey. ((HUGS)) Praying for your comfort.
How disappointing it must have felt, to realize that you two were not on the same page. I know how much peace you can feel when surrounded by someone who really gets it. I am sorry.
Don't you just hate those uncomfortable moments? Oh how I wish we weren't on this journey. Hugs...
I still have trouble saying oh Im ok when someone asks because its a lie, Im not okay. How could we ever be? Im sorry that this encounter was dissapointing. I hate these moments too. Some days I yearn to hear other womens stories and others I just need to distance myself from it all. Its hard when I dont get the outcome I was looking for. *HUGS*
I am sorry - those sorts of encounters still throw me too.
I know my hopes would've been lifted and then dashed. It's nice to come across someone who really understands. I imagine it wouldn't matter if it got easier or harder just as long as long as they were all with you.
Post a Comment