Three

Tomorrow Freja would be turning three months old. From babycenter.com:

Your 3-month-old: Week 1
How your baby's growing:Your baby has been able to recognize you since he was just a few days old, but now he may actually be able to show it. About half of babies this age begin to exhibit an obvious recognition of their parents.Your baby will probably continue to smile at strangers, especially when they look him straight in the eye and coo or talk to him. But he's starting to sort out who's who in his life, and he definitely prefers you, your partner, and perhaps a few others.Your baby may quiet down and make eye contact with you, or he may search for you in a room and move his arms in excitement or smile when he finds you. He may even find your scent calming and comforting.

I signed up for this week-by-week email update back when I first found out I was pregnant. It would describe the baby's development and all the changes that happen every week. Once you reach your due date, it switches the over to newborn milestones. I still get these messages and I can't bring myself to cancel the subscription. It is so hard to accept that my baby will never grow and we'll never experience all her "firsts."

Tomorrow is going to be a very tough day. Princess has her kindergarten graduation ceremony and later in the afternoon we are going to a high school graduation ceremony and dinner. How am I supposed to be happy and celebrate and smile when I should have my three-month-old daughter in my arms but instead she's in the ground? I very much want to be alone and just have time to think and grieve, and go to the cemetary to visit Freja.

I've been really struggling with the whole cemetary thing. We went there a couple of weeks after her death when she would've been turning a month old, and it was so incredibly hard to face. I just sat in the car and bawled hysterically while the kids and D went to see her. I was HORRIFIED to look at her fresh grave, knowing that she was down there and not in my arms, safe and warm. We went once after that, I think it was when she would've been turning two months. I feel aweful that I don't go as often as I think I should. I finally got the courage to go last Thursday and once I got there I didn't want to leave. I wanted to curl up beside her grave and cry until my tears reached her in the ground. I just sat there and sifted dirt from her grave through my fingers. I long to touch her SO MUCH. While I was touching the dirt, I found a perfect heart shaped rock at the side of her grave, and it was split in half. I very strongly feel it was a gift from Freja, maybe a sign that she is okay? I took half the rock and carefully tucked the other half on top of her grave for her to have. I can't even begin to explain how much that rock means to me. I feel it is my connection to her and I touch it many times a day. Knowing we both have a piece brings some sort of comfort.

I would give anything to have her here with me.