This is Home...

I have been feeling really homesick for my blog these days. I love all my groups I am involved with regarding infant loss and Trisomy, but there is something sacred about this place.... This place where I first reached out to the world with my story and made many (what I imagine will be) lifelong friends who's stories touched me deeply and who's babies memories will forever live in my heart. The grief is running deep again these days. I thought as I approached March that I might feel a bit differently this year than I have the past three. I thought I might be able to see Freja's life (and, well, death-) from a slightly more positive perspective... and to be able to mainly focus on the fact that she DID live, and WAS here, and try to just be thankful for the blessing that she was and will always continue to be in the lives of myself, my family, and my friends who have supported me. But, then, it hit me hard this past weekend. There is a smell in the air... The smell of the earth thawing, the sight of the snow melting, puddles, the warmth of the sun beating down on my face which I remember so clearly feeling when we escaped the hospital for brief moments while Freja was alive in there.... It all takes me back and makes me feel like I am walking through this very time four years ago. It's amazing how each one of your senses can hold on to memories so tightly. This kind of grief is beyond just the thoughts in my mind - It is something that has infiltrated every ounce of my being - My mind, body and spirit. My arms have felt like I've had lead weights attached to each of my hands today. My whole body aches and feels worn from nearly four years of this rollercoaster. I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there until May. I hope I can find the strength I need in these coming days to plan Freja's little birthday celebration for our family.