Release

I have so much to say, but it's been hard finding uninterrupted time to sit down at the computer to write. I have a long list of blog entries in my head that I've already wrote. As they come to me I try to file them away in order in my mind, but once again, it's hard to actually find the right moment to put them down in words here.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a much needed breakthrough experience. DP and I sat down in the evening, a bottle of wine between us, and stayed up till the wee hours of the morning talking and enjoying each other's company. We talked about things we haven't talked about for years. We really connected in a way that we haven't in a long time. What made it such a healing experience was after a few glasses of wine, somehow we (as we always seem to do,) got on the topic of Freja. I seem to be able to open up a million percent better when some of the inhibitions are gone (I know it's not necessarily a good thing, but at this point I'll take it!) We haven't spoken as openly as we did that night about Freja, and how it has affected me as deeply as it has, since a few months after her death. Since about the one year mark, I have kept so much of my suffering to myself. It has really worn on me and affected every aspect of my life. Not to mention the resentment of feeling so abandoned and alone which was really beginning to wear and take it's toll on our relationship. I don't talk much about DP and I here, but let's just say that things were really not looking very good from my end.

I know it's not fair of me to expect him to read my mind when I'm feeling horrible, but to me, it is so obvious and it's hurt me time and time again that he never did acknowledge my pain. Also, the fact that I'm the only one to ever bring her up in conversation... Oh that stings to my core! And that I've made more visits to the cemetary alone than with him is also another weak spot for me. Yes, we talked about so much... So much that needed to be acknowledged for such a long time. About Freja, the trauma that this entire experience has caused me, about faith and how I need answers.... It's true - Nothing good will come from a loss of communication in a partnership. I was becoming such a cynical, bitter, smart ass and I really hated that my anger manifested in that way toward him.

So in these past two weeks, I have felt a lot lighter. I can smile at him, and really mean it. I know I can lean on him once again when I'm hurting. I have to know that I can't possibly do this on my own. I need to stop being so stubborn, and learn to voice my needs. I have never been good at this. I have always perferred to deal with things on my own, but I realize that this is one area where I can't. Nobody understands what we have gone through better than one another. I thought we had lost that, but I've re-discovered it and I can't even explain the relief....

I hope this continues. I know it's all in how I handle it. I'm going to try my best.