THAT time....

As far as I'm concerned, it could stay winter forever. I've never been a fan of our cold northern winters, but it sure beats spring.

I feel like the only person in the world who dreads spring as much as I do. Spring to me no longer brings feelings of rebirth, and excitement.... Rather, spring reminds me of death, despair, and the most painful kind of pain someone could ever experience. Spring reminds me of our treks back and forth from the Ronald McDonald House to spend our days with our daughter as she lived on borrowed time. The way the sun shines in through the window, the feeling of the warm spring sun shining on my face, she smells of the earth thawing, and the sights of icicles melting and puddles forming nearly brings me to my knees. Spring reminds me of slopping through a cemetary full of water to pick the 'perfect' spot to bury our baby.

Perfect spot to bury our baby?!?

Those words resonate through my head like a freight train without brakes thundering towards me.

And then comes Easter. The last holiday I can remember being excited for before Freja's birth. I remember going to the store just a couple of weeks before her birth, to pick up things for the girls' baskets. I wanted to be prepared, because I was sure I would go into labor early since I was measuring so much further ahead.

Prepared....Prepared... Prepared for what? I never, ever would've thought that what I was actually preparing for was the death of the baby I was carrying. As I picked out chocolates and trinkets and coloring supplies for my girls' Easter baskets, I envisioned all of us at home, happy and healthy. I envisioned the girls hunting for eggs and playing around my feet as I nursed a newborn.

I never, ever could've pictured that newborn taking her last breath on Good Friday. That we'd be chosing a spot to bury her on Easter Sunday (which also happened to be my birthday... Such a cruel irony....)

Going into stores right now is torture. Seeing all the Easter stuff out makes it so much more real that I am facing "That time" once again. I can feel it creeping up on me again... The immense sadness... The reflectiveness.. And even the yearning to go back to those days that she lived nearly two years ago. As painful as it was to face the reality that had been slapped down in front of us during those fifteen days of her life, I still wish I could go back there and savour her just one more time. Even with the shock of such a devastating diagnosis, the pain of having her alive and in my arms was never nearly as bad as the pain of having to live without her.

Oh now feel it comin' back again
Like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it
- Live "Lightning Crashes"