Christmas is merely days away. We're down to the single-digit countdown. I've done a pretty good job of trying to ignore it, really. To disconnect my feelings and let time push me forward, just as it has done for the past 20 months. One day, I was there, and now suddenly here I am, still surviving 20 months later. It's kind of hard to believe when I think of where I started.
Anyway...... Christmas.
We don't have a tree up yet, but I think we are going to get one this afternoon when Princess is done school. We will go and cut one out of the ditch, just as we did last year. Last year I couldn't have bothered to put up a tree, or decorate, or shop. If it weren't for DP suggesting we jump in the truck and go down some country backroads to find a tree, we probably wouldn't have had one. And when we brought it into the house and got ready to decorate it, I couldn't bring myself to do that either. I think the only ornament I put on our tree myself last year, was Freja's angel ornament. I let the kids have fun putting the rest of the decorations on (which meant that all the decorations were clumped together on one section on the bottom of the tree..... but I couldn't have cared less.... and it stayed decorated that way.)
So.... We will continue our 'tradition' of getting our ditch tree. And I will probably continue with my tradition of placing only Freja's ornaments on myself. And maybe Soren's first Christmas ornament, if I get around to making it. The kids can decorate the rest, and I don't care how ridiculous it looks. I'm glad that they enjoy it, and that's what Christmas is about, right?
I contemplated sending out Christmas cards this year, but my phobia of cards got in the way. Yes, phobia of cards. Ever since Freja died, I have had a terrible time with cards and not knowing what to write on them. I mean, how am I supposed to sign them? If I sign them without her name, it feels so wrong. But if I sign them with her name, people will think I'm nuts (which maybe I am... But unless you've been in my shoes, I won't take the judgement too seriously.) So, I just try to avoid cards all together. Even receiving them makes my heart skip a beat. And, as always, when I open them up and see her name missing where it should be, my heart sinks a little lower every time. So, I've decided that Christmas cards will not happen this year, despite the fact that DP's entire immediate family does a card exchange. I just will not be able to participate. And I'm sure it makes people talk. But I'm sure they have never stopped to think of what the real reason is... Because, life goes on normally for everyone else but us.
This is such a hard act to balance... I have huge reason to celebrate - It is Soren's first Christmas, and I am ecstatic that he is here earth-side, and healthy. I have my little man to spoil and snuggle, yet there is so much sadness about what should be. The little girl who is missing. The little girl who would be enjoying Christmas so much this year. The one who should be tearing everyone elses presents open as well as her own. The times I've gone Christmas shopping this year, it's been hard not to notice all the toys that I'm sure she would've loved to be getting. I've really had to shut myself off when I get it a situation like this because I don't want to be the crazy lady who is found sobbing on the floor of the toddler section in Toys.r.Us while clutching a a Mr Potato Head.
But, I do think it would be justified.
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3 comments:
Oh how we share the same feelings. This year Christmas stuff is up only because of my 3yr old who is loving this season. I didn't send out cards either but the time that I have I always address them like this:
With love from Heaven and Earth, the Delgado family.
That way I feel like I am including Sami and other's don't feel weird about seeing her name on the card. I HATE receiving xmas cards without her name. I prefer the one's that are written out to my family in general not by individual names, it puts a sting on my heart.
Only a few days left, we can do this! ((HUGS)).
I think your ditch tree sounds like a lovely. I sign from our living family members but make the dot of the "i" in my name into a little "e" for Emma. Nobody receiving the card would know but I do - silly but important to me.
I wasn't up to decorating the tree this year so I let the girls do it and there are ornaments clumped all over but I don't care, which is actually surprising since I can be a little anal about things like that. I did put all the ornaments on though for my babes. I wanted to at least do that.
Don't blame you for not sending cards.
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