I've come here, day after day, wanting to write something but the words just don't come. I've gone in circles with my thoughts. Truth is, I don't know where I should be in this journey anymore. I'm lost. I look around me, at those who lost babies around the time that Freja died, and can't help but feel sad. Distant. As much as I wouldn't want to be in the misery where I was last year at this time, there was something sacred about last year. Something sacred about going into our first Christmas without out daughter. Now I just feel like I'm drifting away from it all so fast - from my loss friends, from the glimpses of beauty in the healing, and from Freja. I have a new little boy now (whom I love with all my heart,) so the entire world seems to think that I should be 'over' it all by now. It makes me so frustrated that nobody offline speaks Freja's name anymore. But I guess really, what is there to say? Today Freja would've been turning 20 months old. Nobody but me has remembered, but I'm trying to put my big girl panties on and choke back the tears. Suck it up and be strong (whatever that means.) This has become my mantra which I wake up in the morning reciting and go to bed reciting. Life has become such a balancing act - I want to make the most of my time with my baby boy and enjoy his sweet babyness, but the void where his sister should be is still so raw and I often struggle to see past it. Is this just how it's going to be forever? I can't see that this will ever change.....
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4 years ago
5 comments:
I know how you feel. I recently wrote a post about feeling further from Gage as the days, weeks, months, holidays, years go by. And the further away, the less I hear his name from others. I too have a new son and it is so hard sometimes to focus on him and not try to see his brother. There is nothing easy about this journey we are on. I am so grateful for this online community of women. I know I can get online, check out some of the blogs I check regularly and see that someone else is saying the things I am thinking. It helps me feel less alone. Thinking of you, Mary
I don't know how anyone gets through it. For me, towards the end of this pregnancy ~ things prove to be harder. Memories fading, make me somber. People acting as if things are 'normal' make me angry. Even those in my family never mention Amelia . . . and it has only been since March since she died. It all just feels so wrong... I feel broken. And I am trying, like I know we all are, to work through the pain. But now and again, it is all so fresh and I am like a raw nerve.
Thankfulness and happiness elude me right now. Even with this new life ~ and I feel horrible about it. Like I am wasting time by not appreciating what this new life will give us.
The ironic thing is that I truly believe that most people around us think that this baby will erase my grief. The death of a child (no matter how many other children you have) cannot be forgotten by a parent. . . .just apparently by everyone else.
I'm reading and nodding. This is our third holiday season without Emma and I just can't quite wrap my head around it. I feel so distant from my precious girl and yet I still hurt so much much - and I'm loving life with her baby brother. I don't know how to hold all these things together.
Peace xox
Sometimes I wonder where I should be in all of this. Do I focus too much on her? The world may think you should be over it but those of us on this path with you know better. Having another baby doesn't make you forget.
So very interesting to read. "something sacred about last year"...yes that does seem true. I am just getting into the holiday decorations and stuff and plan on doing everything we did last year (tree, stocking, etc) But yes, it doesn't seem the same as last year. I am expecting Chase's little brother, due in 2 months, and I told my family not to be buying me stuff for the baby for Christmas. For obvious reasons, of course, but also because I want to celebrate Chase again this christmas and not "bypass" him and start celebrating this unborn child already. Sounds weird to some I'm sure, but it's how I feel. I think you are right...it is a balancing act. But I think as a baby loss mom, we have some special grace when it comes to balancing these things. A grace that other's just don't know or understand. Whatever you do to celebrate the holidays and honor Freja will be perfect, no matter what. She knows you love her and that's all that matters.
xo
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