Last Sunday we went out for dinner for my MIL's birthday. It also happened to be the 25th day of the month - the day that Freja would be turning 16 months old. It seems that I'm the only one who think of this day as significant anymore, but that is a whole other novel that I will leave for another day. So before we headed out to the city for the day, I left home by myself and went to pay Freja a visit. I knew I would feel trememdous guilt if I didn't go see her on 'her' day. So I went alone, without saying a word about where I was going. I cleaned up the long grass around her grave and spent a few minutes with her. I could've spent a long time just sitting there next to her, crying, but I choked back my tears and told myself as I always do to 'suck it up,' so I didn't have to return home with a red, tear-stained face and an explanation.
While we were having dinner, a close family member began asking Boo how many brothers and sisters she had (of course, the person asking knew the answer, but for some reason everyone seems to find it cute to ask my two-year-old this question over and over much to my disgust.) When Boo insisted that she had two sisters, this particular family member tried correcting her, telling her she only had one sister and one brother. Boo persisted, and said family member seemed to become confused. Said family member, surprisingly, also came to the hospital and held Freja. She looked into her eyes, and now has the heart to straight-out deny our daughter's place in our family??!? I was so pissed off about this whole conversation. How can people forget so quickly, when not an hour goes by that I don't think of Freja. When she was carrying on about how Boo 'only has one sister and one brother,' I looked at DP and said, as loud as I could, "Of course she has TWO sisters." I bit my tongue and held back the tears, because I really didn't want to create a huge scene for the rest of the family's sake, but man...... was it hard.
Last summer I thought I felt so alone in this all... but I'm beginning to feel even more alone now. For the most part, I feel like I need to keep quiet and not burden anybody with my misery about how much I miss Freja. I'm learning to keep it to myself, but the isolation in feeling this pain almost makes me feel as if I might implode some days, when I'm at my worst. But really... I ask myself what anyone could provide me with that would help anyway? There is no magical solution or 'fix' for the loss of my daughter and the trauma of how it all happened. What is there to say that I haven't already said? The whole crying cycle in front of others is getting tiring.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
SGM Visits The Alpha Sigma Phi Fraternity House
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3 comments:
First ~ I am so very sorry that you are not getting the support and your daughter the recognition she deserves.
I am not as far out from the loss of my daughter, but I can tell you with certainty that I already feel the walls of remembering her being built. I have a brother who has not even recognized her birth/death. A sister who doesn't mention her name. A mother who didn't attend the funeral because she had to work. All this was after 17 weeks of knowing that my Amelia would not live...of knowing that I did everything in my power to create memories of her for my other children...for them as her aunt, uncle and grandmother. There is no explaining it ~ just a lot of bitterness.
I am sorry, so sorry that Freja is not said aloud for your ears to hear the sound of her name by those who are supposed to care enough to remember her.
I'm sorry that people, esp family, are so easy to forget. I've had a few instances of it and it stung. If you feel you need to cry then I think you should. It's good to have that release otherwise I think it just builds and builds. Unfortunately there is no fix for this. I wish there were. That would be so simple then.
Again, I can relate to this post. It hurts like hell that they just don't get it. They don't even try to understand. There are certain people that were very close to me that never mention her name and they probably think I am crazy for wanting to have a birthday celebration for my daughter. It really bothers me but little by little I am learning to just not care about them as much. It sucks because I am not that kind of person but at the moment it is the only thing that I can do to stay sane. It's a really sad world we live in. The empty feelings in our hearts will never be understood. I understand you. ((HUGS))
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