Absence

Wow. I think it's been about six months since I last wrote here. Shortly after Freja's third birthday was the last time I remember posting anything here. It's not because everything is "fine now," or that I have "moved on......" I simply felt that I needed to take a step back with my writing. Things were getting ugly. I mean, there is no way to sugar-coat the death of a baby... Nor should there ever be a need to. But I just felt that I was sinking even deeper into that dark, swampy pit with every blog post I was writing. I just needed some time to step back and work through some thoughts without having to express them in words. I have to admit that I felt a huge relief once I passed Freja's birthday and her death day. I had been so worked up for months about just getting through those days in one piece. Every year I think it'll be impossible to survive the crushing guilt that always seems to follow me for the latter half of the year until after her birthday. It's a cycle. At least I'm beginning to understand how to predict it. There is so much to learn about grief and it's hard to believe that at one time it actually felt so foreign. Three-and-a-half years in, it feels like it has always been a part of me. It's hard to remember life before this weight that I carry each day. Much has happened in the last six months, including the birth of our second son. Of all my babies, he resembles Freja the closest. Sometimes I have to catch my breath when I gaze down at him sleeping on my chest, head tilted to one side. I've had moments where I've almost forgotten it is him and not her. They are moments I both love and fear. I love to see a part of her living on in him, but it also takes me back to our time with her, when I felt panicked and lost and very, very fearful of the unknown as I watched her sleep on my chest and I knew that at any moment life could leave her tiny body. So, here's hoping for a more productive six months of writing ahead. I'm sure they will be. September 25th has become a half way mark, a countdown of sorts to her birthday and her other special days that follow. Believe me, I have written a thousand blog posts in my head over these past months, but a break in writing (and an extremely busy Summer) has really been a breath of fresh air.