It is coming, I can't stop it....

I'm beginning to see the date pop up here and there. On the milk carton, on signs around town, on papers the girls bring home from school. March is just around the corner, and I am once again feeling very taunted by it's soon-to-be arrival. Ever since the few weeks preceding my first daughter's birth, I have become super aware of dates like this. During my pregnancies, it was always a reality check that my babies would soon be here when I began seeing their due dates stamped on containers of yogurt or cartons of eggs. That meant that their birth was indeed imminant. It was really happening. They would be here in no time!

But since Freja's death this strange little quirk of mine has stuck. Except that it isn't a positive and exciting thing for me to see her dates quickly approaching. It is a reminder of the exceptionally difficult weeks which lay ahead for me, as I once again face another Spring without her. And her birthday without her. And every day following that day without her. Forever. And the realization that most people around me have no clue of how hard this time of year is for me. People are already talking so happily about how thrilled they will be when Spring arrives. I just stare at them blankly and feel very disappointed. I wish they would realize that Spring no longer holds those feelings for me, and I wish that they wouldn't assume that I feel the same way as they do. How could I? I could honestly care less if the snow were to ever melt. In fact, I'd rather it stay, because even though Spring brings warmer weather, it also slams me with a great deal of pain. Everything about it is a reminder of the little girl who I'm longing for deeply. I will never enjoy Spring the way I used to. What happened to us in the midst of beautiful snow melting weather, and the rebirth of warm sunshine has etched memories so deeply upon my entire being. It will never be the same, and I sometimes wish I could write it across my forehead for the world to see and take into consideration...