Tomorrow is our big ultrasound. The genetic one. The one where we will look for possible markers of T18, and other potential problems. Surprisingly, the fear didn't hit me until yesterday, when I started thinking about how my world came crashing down so harshly after a past "routine" ultrasound. 11 AM is the time I am having this one. It was also the time I was scheduled for Freja's too. It is hard being in the same rooms, same area of the exact same hospital that I was in when we were told out of thin air that our daughter would die.
I have been having intense dreams as of late. Dreams about carrying a boy with T18 who I have been fighting for and willing to live. I wake up feeling unsettled. Sad that I didn't fight like I do in my dreams for my daughter. I've been wondering if these dreams are a way of my mind trying to be given the opportunity to right all the guilt and mistakes I have blamed myself for with not being more aggressive in fighting to keep Freja alive. There is just so much to think about. I have quietly sat back and observed quite a few other families (online) with T18 children, as much as it has stung at times and made me question the information we were given and our decisions even more. But I see that their lives are not easy either. Watching their children go through painful procedures which seem to happen frequently and have become their new normal. Still, I go in circles and keep getting hung up on the words that keep going through my mind - Being alive is better than being dead. I feel so desperate sometimes to have her here, alive, that I would go back into the past if I could and do almost anything I had to to get that result. Is that selfish? Or is that wanting to give her every opportunity - The opportunity to live and experience life and enjoy what good moments we would have.....
Still..... Searching for peace and hoping that decisions like this are not something I will ever have to make again in reality, even though I'm still tourmented by them in my dreams. As much as I'd like a "re-do," I want desperately for this baby I am carrying to come home with us in the normal, usual way that babies come home. No hospital stays, no medical intervention, no heart-wrenching decisions.
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4 comments:
I am hoping so much you don't face those difficult decision with this baby. Having to deal with the diagnosis and loss of one child is far too much.
i felt i had to write to you after finding your blog, im sorry about your little girl i too had a little gir called Erin Rose who was born with T18 she was not diagnosed until birth. I had a scan at 18wks where they said all was not ok so i was sent to a consultant who told me everything was fine. When erin was born she was not breathing and had other things wrong with her she had some facial deformaties amongst other things, im so glad that she was not diagnosed before she was born or they would have not revived her as you know they say T18 is not compatible with life. We was lucky enough to take Erin home she had to be tube fed. We got to have 9 preciuos wks with her and for that i am so grateful she passed away in my arms with her family around her it was all very peaceful. I have since gone on to have two more babys, i know only to well how scary that scan is when you have another baby and the rollercoastre of emotions that you go through, feel free to contact me if you wish. Best wishes bobbie
forgot to say my little girl Erin was born on Jan 24th 2009 and passed away 28 march 2009. I would like to think that Erin and Freja are together x
I am sorry that I am late coming to this - I've not been online much these past weeks. I hope your big scan went well - I think pregnancy heightens everything - the anxiety obviously but the grief and the regrets too. I wish you gentleness and peace on the journey.
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