Fall

When I woke up a few mornings ago, the house was freezing cold. We went literally straight from summer, +30 celcius, to freezing temperatures in the span of a couple of days.

I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but feeling Fall in the air has really gotten to me. I have been an emotional mess. It doesn't even make sense, Fall is not my usually most difficult time... Spring is when Freja was born and seeing all the signs of Spring is typically what sets of my super melancholy mood. Yes, that first Fall without her was filled with such horribly sad memories and "firsts," and I feel like I'm right back there again. The smell of the air, the sight of the leaves changing color and falling... Everything reminds me of the fresh shock of having to learn to live without her...

The change of seasons signals the passing of time... One season after another I grow further and further from the time she lived. People around me seem to forgotten how painful life can and always will be as we continue through life missing her and picturing this "imaginary" child nestled in there next to our other kids. I know that most people think that she is dead... That she is gone... But that is never the case for me. She always lives on in my mind and my thoughts of her are just as frequent as my thoughts of my living children. As I watch my kids do things each day, I always stop for a moment (or two, or three,) and try to visualize Freja in there with them. I also find myself having to defend her place in our family a lot these days. I will never stop doing that but sometimes I run out of strength for fighting that battle and retreat back into myself as I try to protect myself from the pain of others' ignorance.

Fall...... Is so bittersweet. Because then comes Winter, and then Spring. And I feel like I'm already starting to brace myself for Spring and all that Spring holds for us.

Will life always be a matter of counting down....? Bracing myself, and watching the calendar, and catching myself and then falling flat on my face.....? Again and again and again... I just want to scream, "I want off this ride!!!!"

Two-and-a-half years of rollercoaster riding. I feel like I should be used to it by now and in some ways it has become "normal" (how terrible is that?!?) But oh boy, other days it is just too much... Just too draining... Impossible to focus on much else other than the intense feeling of loss... The missing... The wound that is still raw and gaping...